Carey Dillinger, June, 1994
The Daily Commercial
When I read the paper was looking for local folks to write a monthly column on events of interest to those of us living in Lake and Sumter counties, I admit I had some opinions I wanted to express in a venue longer than the normal letter to the editor. Little did I realize when I submitted the first draft of this column I would be chosen. I was basically blowing off some steam about the current lack of conservative columnists in the paper. Now I can guarantee you, oh gentle reader, that for the next 12 months, there will be at least one column a month from the conservative (note I did not say right wing, Tele-evangelist watchin', antivivisectionist) viewpoint.
One of the coolest things about having your words in print, is that no one can make fun of your pronunciations. Take the word column for instance. Is it "call'em" or "callyum." I usually say "call'em" but if I'm trying to draw unnecessary attention to myself I say "callyum." it's like battery, do you say bat-ter-ee or bat-tree? My point is this, in print it just doesn't matter. I write it how I say it and you read it like you say it and we're both happy.
Now that my musings are in print, am I a "call'emnist " or a "callyumnist?" Wanting a second opinion on this I called my childhood mentor and all around "good ole boy," Earl Quartlow. "Earl, I've become a call'emnist, what do you think?" "Well boy," he replied, "You must be stuck in the 80's, cuz while you been nappin' they've done tore down the Berlin Wall, Russia's done fer and Commie'nism is on the wane."
"Not a communist," I responded, a call'emnist, a newspaper call'emnist for the Daily Commercial!" " 'Bout the same difference ain't it boy, " he retorted as he hung up the telephone.
Later, as I thought about Earl's closing remark, I realized there were only two columnists he ever read, Al Capp and Lewis Grizzard. Most of the rest of the column writing lot is just too far to the left of the center line for old Earl. He feels there is no one in the paper to express his opinion and I tend to agree.
I'll be expressing my (and Earl's) opinion over the next 12 months and I promise that I have so many different opinions that you're bound to agree with some of them. If you don't, then I guess that's your opinion and you can't get your opinion wrong, can you?
Now, on with the opinionatin', right. Wrong! There are rules that must be followed when expressing your opinion as a guest columnist for The Daily Commercial. These rules are cast-in-stone per my editor.
#1 - You must be accurate. All of the Daily Commercial columnists adhere to this one, so I promise to be just as accurate, if not more so.
#2 - No personal attacks . For example, if I do not like a column one of my colleagues writes, I cannot say he is a buffoon. I can't even say that he writes like a buffoon. However, I can say that his column is pure buffoonery.
#3 - You must meet your deadline. That's why I'm writing this column three weeks in advance. It has nothing to do with the fact that today is the only day this month my family will let me use the computer.
#4 - Be local. My first column was originally titled "My Child of the Superior American Culture Just Beat Up your Foreign Exchange Student." Now that Geraldo, Crossfire and who-knows-who-all has taken on this topic, it is out of my bailiwick. Actually, I am still allowed to write on this topic because of its local impact, my real trouble is coming up with a catchy angle that no one else has already explored.
Have you thought about the potential in bumper sticker sales when the "superior culture policy" takes effect this fall. Both sides are bound to have them, for instance:
MY CHILD IS A STUDENT OF SUPERIOR CULTURE AT SO AND SO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
CULTURES ARE LIKE GREAT LAKES - ONLY ONE IS SUPERIOR!
WE DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT IN ________. (FILL IN ANY COUNTRY WITH AN INFERIOR CULTURE.)
IF OTHER CULTURES ARE OUTLAWED, THEN ONLY OUTLAWS WILL HAVE CULTURE.
EAT AMERICAN YOGURT, ITS CULTURE IS SUPERIOR.
DISCO, LEISURE SUITS, PEEWEE HERMAN, AH THAT GOOD OLD AMERICAN CULTURE.
HISTORY, SCHMISTORY, WE'RE NUMERO UNO!
IF THE GOOD LORD WOULD HAVE WANTED FOREIGNERS TO HAVE A SUPERIOR CULTURE, HE WOULD HAVE MADE THEM AMERICANS.
#5 - Go easy on the humor when discussing a serious subject, an opinion perceived as flippant will be rejected by our "cultured" reading audience. OOPS! Well four out of five ain't bad for my first effort, huh?
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