WORDS TO LIVE BY:

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles (or principals).

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable...except for vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things...or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.....

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals"

Death to all fanatics.

Guests who kill talk show host--On the last Geraldo.

Don't be sexist, broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from apes and monkeys, why do we still have apes and monkeys?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look how the place has deteriorated!

Married people do not live longer than single people...It just seems longer.

I went into Books-a-Million the other day and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists...they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

You can thank Jeremy McD for these gems.

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