HICKBONICS
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or Hickbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
Usage: "Heidi!"
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi,Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanter.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and drove
to Lanter."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000
in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and
I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in
my pickup truck,that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle
or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from
some farn
country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some are!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert.
He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SOUTHERN SAYINGS.....
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the
way down."
"Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'"
"She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm."
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"My cow died last night so I don't need your bull."
"He's as country as cornflakes."
"This is gooder'n grits."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to
help me enjoy it.
NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed
on how to use it shortly.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men
in the cab of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a
tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just
stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already
know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better
off trying to find it yourself.
5. Remember: "Y'all is singular." "All y'all is
plural." All y'all's is plural possessive."
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are
you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either."
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as
in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy."
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks
learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed
and lane position for that vehicle."
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch
this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words
he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
Southern license plate,you may rest assured that it was already
turned on when the car was purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even
the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required
at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything
from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is
logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more
than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed."
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin' "
is a valid defense.
A new contract for Santa has been negotiated...Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on ChristmasEve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, mycontractwas
re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
I now only serve certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin
and Michigan. I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies,
so keep that in mind. However, I am certain that your children
will be in good hands with your local replacement that happens
to be my thirdcousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is
from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to
all good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences
between us. They are as follows:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that
reads "This sleigh insured by Smith & Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers children
to leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, though,
so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple
of my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid..." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead you will hear "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliot and Petty."
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond "I
hear'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh
does have Yosemite Sam mud flaps with the words "Back Off".
The last I heard, it has other decorations as well. One is a
Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth
Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will
not be shown in your
viewing area. Instead you will see "Ernest Saves Christmas"
and"Smoky and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds
as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make
sure that you, the wife and the kids turn the other way when he
bends over to put the presents under the tree.
9. Don't look for the traditional stocking items this year
either. Instead of chocolates and candy canes, children in theSouth
can expect to find beef jerky, Vienna sausages and a can of Spam.
10. Toys will be assembled by Bubba Claus's elves in his Freedom
Homes doublewide workshop.
11. And finally, lovely Christmas songs such as Rudolph the
Red-nosed Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"
will be replaced. "Bubba Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma
Got Run Over by a Reindeer" will be played repeatedly on
radio stations all over the South.
Sincerely yours,
Santa Claus
THE 2000 FEDERAL CENSUS FOR THE SOUTH
Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_)
Billy-Mae
What does everyone call you? (_) Booger (_) Bubba (_) Junior
(_) Sissy (_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box) (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_)
Unemployed (_) Dirty Politician (_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Number of children in the household: _______
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate
box)
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom
____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
How often do you bathe:(_) Weekly(_) Monthly (_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes: Left______ Right_____
Color of hair: (_) Black(_) Red (_) Brown (_) White (_) Clairol
Color of teeth: (_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow (_) Brown (_) Black(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_) 1 mile (_) 2 miles(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler (_) road?